What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Good grief. I didn't realize it has been so long between posts. Too busy learning the Internet with John B. Fantasy Football rocks.

Oh, and we finally got the memo today.

Looks like Lucifer is coming back as a “consultant” to Gabe and Mike.

Here is the announcement.

TO: All Celestial Services Associates
FROM: Gabe Archangel, Sr. VP of Strategic Marketing
SUBJECT: Organizational Announcement

Effective Monday, October 13, Lucifer, former CEO of Helliburton, will assume the title of Special Consultant For Strategic Marketing and Operational Initiatives for Celestial Services. He will report to me.

Lucifer will be responsible for creating a robust suite of products and services designed to delight Celestial’s customers and increase market share as well as recommending improvements in our processes to maximize efficiencies and profits.

As you all know, under Lucifer’s dynamic leadership Hellliburton has experienced explosive revenue growth in its Sinner Services Division, and we trust he will transfer his considerable skills and knowledge to energize our Supplicant Services operation.

Please attend a mandatory staff meeting on Monday at 8:00 am to welcome Luce and get a sneak preview of our exciting new marketing campaign.

Have I mentioned my life is about to suck more than it does now?

What's Going On?

You'll all be happy to know I'm surviving Monday so far. Yeah, I know. It's all about moi.

Still waiting for some kind of org announcement. John B said it may be delayed until tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Earth seems to be experiencing a major financial melt down. I'm sure someone, somewhere, will blame me for this. Someone will say I'm punishing Earth for some reason or other or this is part of my "plan".

Here's a clue, Dudes and Dudettes. I'm not into punishment anymore. Don't get me wrong. I do occasionally get the urge to smite, just to see if I still have my old mojo. But, as The Mrs. never fails to remind me, I was pretty arrogant and full of myself back in those wilder, younger days. OK. I'll be honest. She really said I was young,stupid and obnoxious. But I don't really have the energy for all that drama now. So, no, I'm not "punishing" anybody.

And my "plan" consists of flying under the radar so Mike and Gabe don't bug me about doing stuff in Excel or being on conference calls.

Gotta run. Time for Fantasy Football PC tutorial with John B. Later.

Random Reflections

I just realized that "Dog" is "God" spelled backwards and I want to talk to who is responsible for that.

My Birthday

Hey Hey Hey. It's The Mrs, back after taking a 2 day birthday hiatus. In spite of The Big Guy's and Son's insensitivty, I had a very nice day. Magi got me a card which she, Son and The Big Guy signed, and she brought a cake. My friend Therese of Lisieux and I had lunch together to celebrate her feast day and my birthday, a custom we started several years ago.

I will stop here, because I'm afraid if I really start ripping I'll say something about Son and The Big Guy that I will regret. Now please excuse me as I need to prepare Tofu Surprise for the Big Guy's lunch tomorrow.

The Mrs.

I'm Back In The Dog House Again

Ahhhhh. I love the smell of steamed tofu and sprouts in the morning. Why do I have to look forward to tofu for my Sunday breakfast instead of bacon and eggs? Well, it seems that The Mrs. is mad at me because I did not "directly acknowledge her birthday" on Friday. She did not care that I had been too sick to get her a present, and she ignored that fact that Son and I signed the card Magi bought. So much for the peaceful, drama free, football filled Sunday I had hoped for today. I demand so little.

And John B tells me there are rumors that Gabe will make a big organizational announcement involving Lucifer tomorrow at work. I seriously need to consider getting a new job.

The good news? John B is teaching me how to type and use the computer so I can play Fantasy Football. Woo Woo.

Random Reflections...

I wonder how many people would come to my funeral....

I'm B-a-a-a-a-c-k

Back at work today. Trying to say under the radar. Mike and Gabe are huddling in the hallway and whispering alot. John B said he'd try to find out if Lucifer is just blowing smoke or if he really wants to come back.

The Mrs. is very happy I'm out of the house. I myself am relieved that I didn't have to endure her patented Lifetime Channel Psychotic Spouse Stare of Death. (Cue ominous music.)

Mr. Pity, Meet Mr. Pot....

'Nuf said. He doesn't even know how to start a microwave. What a Drama King. On. My. Last. Nerve.

The Mrs.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Yo, I'm back. I see The Mrs. has been holding down the fort in my absence. The old "Alpha Dog" would have been upset, but I realize she's just trying to help me.

I stayed home from work the past 3 days because I developed the flu. The Mrs. says it's because I'm depressed and won't admit it. She insists that I go see her shrink, Dr. Pat, or she's putting me on a rice cake diet. She says I need to pee or get off the pity pot by asking Earth to protest Lucifer's intention to take over Celestial Services, and she even composed a letter for me to send:

Subject: God Needs Your Help

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello. This is God, and I’m writing to you because I need your help.

As the enclosed newspaper story from the Helliburton Herald indicates, Lucifer wants my job. I don’t want him to have it, and I don’t think you do either. Unless, of course, you want to be manhandled by Lucifer’s “Positive Police” should you deviate from the “Mandated Mood Of The Day”, or be forced to compete on Mrs. L’s Envy Channel reality show, “I’m Perfect And You’re Not”. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so. You’re much too intelligent for that.

As for me, if Lucifer takes over, I’ll be forced to fill out efficiency reports in Excel, attend mandatory daily staff meetings, and use the word “Brand” ad nauseam. I think we all agree I can serve you much better if I’m not encumbered by the constraints of the corporate culture.

So what am I asking you to do? Please tell your friends and family to ask Oprah to stop Lucifer. And tell her do it quickly, before Britney Spears tattoos her skull with Amy Winehouse, the Hogan family spawns another reality show, or the Mother Ship whisks TomKat. into the ethers. Windows of opportunity close very quickly on the Earth. I know this because AOL is my home page.

In closing, I want to thank you in advance for your help. I trust that you will see this as an opportunity to display your appreciation for the many blessings you enjoy. Not that I’m putting any pressure on you. I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you to sacrifice your first born to save the Earth or anything. Like I did. But hey, that’s OK. I can understand if you can’t help. I just hope you enjoy macrobiotic power foods. Lucifer will insist that you do.

Thank you for your consideration.

God (The Big Guy)

I told her I'd have to think about sending this letter. I have to really think about whether I want to fight to keep my job. Besides, maybe this article is just a way for Lucifer trying to get some publicity for the Envy Channel and I have nothing to worry about. Or maybe Mike and Gabe really want to replace me with Lucifer. Or maybe I just need to stick my head in the microwave after wrapping it in foil.