What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Good grief. I didn't realize it has been so long between posts. Too busy learning the Internet with John B. Fantasy Football rocks.

Oh, and we finally got the memo today.

Looks like Lucifer is coming back as a “consultant” to Gabe and Mike.

Here is the announcement.

TO: All Celestial Services Associates
FROM: Gabe Archangel, Sr. VP of Strategic Marketing
SUBJECT: Organizational Announcement

Effective Monday, October 13, Lucifer, former CEO of Helliburton, will assume the title of Special Consultant For Strategic Marketing and Operational Initiatives for Celestial Services. He will report to me.

Lucifer will be responsible for creating a robust suite of products and services designed to delight Celestial’s customers and increase market share as well as recommending improvements in our processes to maximize efficiencies and profits.

As you all know, under Lucifer’s dynamic leadership Hellliburton has experienced explosive revenue growth in its Sinner Services Division, and we trust he will transfer his considerable skills and knowledge to energize our Supplicant Services operation.

Please attend a mandatory staff meeting on Monday at 8:00 am to welcome Luce and get a sneak preview of our exciting new marketing campaign.

Have I mentioned my life is about to suck more than it does now?

What's Going On?

You'll all be happy to know I'm surviving Monday so far. Yeah, I know. It's all about moi.

Still waiting for some kind of org announcement. John B said it may be delayed until tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Earth seems to be experiencing a major financial melt down. I'm sure someone, somewhere, will blame me for this. Someone will say I'm punishing Earth for some reason or other or this is part of my "plan".

Here's a clue, Dudes and Dudettes. I'm not into punishment anymore. Don't get me wrong. I do occasionally get the urge to smite, just to see if I still have my old mojo. But, as The Mrs. never fails to remind me, I was pretty arrogant and full of myself back in those wilder, younger days. OK. I'll be honest. She really said I was young,stupid and obnoxious. But I don't really have the energy for all that drama now. So, no, I'm not "punishing" anybody.

And my "plan" consists of flying under the radar so Mike and Gabe don't bug me about doing stuff in Excel or being on conference calls.

Gotta run. Time for Fantasy Football PC tutorial with John B. Later.

Random Reflections

I just realized that "Dog" is "God" spelled backwards and I want to talk to who is responsible for that.

My Birthday

Hey Hey Hey. It's The Mrs, back after taking a 2 day birthday hiatus. In spite of The Big Guy's and Son's insensitivty, I had a very nice day. Magi got me a card which she, Son and The Big Guy signed, and she brought a cake. My friend Therese of Lisieux and I had lunch together to celebrate her feast day and my birthday, a custom we started several years ago.

I will stop here, because I'm afraid if I really start ripping I'll say something about Son and The Big Guy that I will regret. Now please excuse me as I need to prepare Tofu Surprise for the Big Guy's lunch tomorrow.

The Mrs.

I'm Back In The Dog House Again

Ahhhhh. I love the smell of steamed tofu and sprouts in the morning. Why do I have to look forward to tofu for my Sunday breakfast instead of bacon and eggs? Well, it seems that The Mrs. is mad at me because I did not "directly acknowledge her birthday" on Friday. She did not care that I had been too sick to get her a present, and she ignored that fact that Son and I signed the card Magi bought. So much for the peaceful, drama free, football filled Sunday I had hoped for today. I demand so little.

And John B tells me there are rumors that Gabe will make a big organizational announcement involving Lucifer tomorrow at work. I seriously need to consider getting a new job.

The good news? John B is teaching me how to type and use the computer so I can play Fantasy Football. Woo Woo.

Random Reflections...

I wonder how many people would come to my funeral....

I'm B-a-a-a-a-c-k

Back at work today. Trying to say under the radar. Mike and Gabe are huddling in the hallway and whispering alot. John B said he'd try to find out if Lucifer is just blowing smoke or if he really wants to come back.

The Mrs. is very happy I'm out of the house. I myself am relieved that I didn't have to endure her patented Lifetime Channel Psychotic Spouse Stare of Death. (Cue ominous music.)

Mr. Pity, Meet Mr. Pot....

'Nuf said. He doesn't even know how to start a microwave. What a Drama King. On. My. Last. Nerve.

The Mrs.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Yo, I'm back. I see The Mrs. has been holding down the fort in my absence. The old "Alpha Dog" would have been upset, but I realize she's just trying to help me.

I stayed home from work the past 3 days because I developed the flu. The Mrs. says it's because I'm depressed and won't admit it. She insists that I go see her shrink, Dr. Pat, or she's putting me on a rice cake diet. She says I need to pee or get off the pity pot by asking Earth to protest Lucifer's intention to take over Celestial Services, and she even composed a letter for me to send:

Subject: God Needs Your Help

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello. This is God, and I’m writing to you because I need your help.

As the enclosed newspaper story from the Helliburton Herald indicates, Lucifer wants my job. I don’t want him to have it, and I don’t think you do either. Unless, of course, you want to be manhandled by Lucifer’s “Positive Police” should you deviate from the “Mandated Mood Of The Day”, or be forced to compete on Mrs. L’s Envy Channel reality show, “I’m Perfect And You’re Not”. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so. You’re much too intelligent for that.

As for me, if Lucifer takes over, I’ll be forced to fill out efficiency reports in Excel, attend mandatory daily staff meetings, and use the word “Brand” ad nauseam. I think we all agree I can serve you much better if I’m not encumbered by the constraints of the corporate culture.

So what am I asking you to do? Please tell your friends and family to ask Oprah to stop Lucifer. And tell her do it quickly, before Britney Spears tattoos her skull with Amy Winehouse, the Hogan family spawns another reality show, or the Mother Ship whisks TomKat. into the ethers. Windows of opportunity close very quickly on the Earth. I know this because AOL is my home page.

In closing, I want to thank you in advance for your help. I trust that you will see this as an opportunity to display your appreciation for the many blessings you enjoy. Not that I’m putting any pressure on you. I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you to sacrifice your first born to save the Earth or anything. Like I did. But hey, that’s OK. I can understand if you can’t help. I just hope you enjoy macrobiotic power foods. Lucifer will insist that you do.

Thank you for your consideration.

God (The Big Guy)

I told her I'd have to think about sending this letter. I have to really think about whether I want to fight to keep my job. Besides, maybe this article is just a way for Lucifer trying to get some publicity for the Envy Channel and I have nothing to worry about. Or maybe Mike and Gabe really want to replace me with Lucifer. Or maybe I just need to stick my head in the microwave after wrapping it in foil.

No, He Didn't

I notice The Big Guy didn’t post again today. He is still depressed, but will not talk about it.

I have a secret to tell you. The Big Guy is afraid to stand up for himself at Celestial Services. I’m sure this will shock you. You think of the Big Guy as all powerful and can’t understand why he, the CEO of Celestial Services, is afraid of those annoying Yuppie weasels Mike, Gabe, and even Lucifer. But The Big Guy feels, rightly or wrongly, that he botched Son’s training on Earth so badly that he can’t trust himself or his power anymore. He also believes he deserves to be treated badly because he feels guilty. Part of him is afraid to leave Celestial Services because he’s afraid of change, part of him is angry at Earth for what happened so he doesn’t take an interest in running Celestial Services, and part of him wants to do something different but he doesn’t know what he could do. The biggest problem here is that he is in denial about all of these judgments.

I want to help him take his power back but he can be so stubborn and will not listen, to wit, I’ve been nagging him for thousands of years to clean up The Plague Room to no avail. And I’m going to have to be more assertive. He needs to see how fear is holding him back. I think I will strongly suggest that he visit my therapist, Dr. Pat.

Thanks for listening, Kids.

The Mrs.

"Missive From The Mrs."

Hello, Folks and Folkettes:

The Mrs. here. The Big Guy didn't post yesterday because he was too depressed. The newspaper article about Lucifer wanting take control of Celestial Services bummed him out. He slept all day Sunday, then woke up grumpy because he missed yet another day of the Law and Order marathon.

I thought I would try my hand at blogging because my therapist, Dr. Pat. suggested I needed a creative outlet. I haven't asked The Big Guy for permission, which is a big step for me in my journey to focus on my own goals and autonomy. This may be hard for you to understand, but I get so frustrated because it seems every time I make a step forward in asserting myself, I feel it's so easy to get pulled back into going along with whatever Big Guy or Son wants even if it conflicts with what I want. A perfect example is when I let Son have my yoga room when he decided to come home. I'm still kicking myself over that.

So, try as I may, I find it very difficult not to get sucked into The Big Guy's depression and moods, so I couldn't muster the energy to post here, either. Frankly, after "The Earth Thing", neither of us has been able to trust that we can ever do anything right again or achieve peace of mind. Magi, Son's anoerexic girlfriend, told me our problem is that we are not "spiritual" enough and advised us to chant a positive mantra every day. Well, The Big Guy's idea of a mantra is staring at the M&M's in the vending machine at work and muttering, "Don't get stuck on the rings again; don't get stuck on the rings again; don't get stuck on the rings again" after he's deposited his money, and mine, directed at Son, is "Get a job; get a job; get a job". Looks like neither of us will be hitting the best seller list with uplifting stories about conquering the dark night of the soul thing anytime soon.

OK. Time for me to get back to The Plague Room to finish my laundry. Later, kids.

The Mrs.

While I Was Sleeping...

Yikes! I fell asleep during the Law and Order Marathon on Friday night and just woke up. I never sleep that long. While I was sawing logs The Mrs. flipped to the "Husbands From Hell" marathon on Lifetime, where the men are always menacing and the music is always ominous. She doesn't want me to know she's addicted to Lifetime, so she quickly switched back to Law and Order when I woke up.

Don't tell her I know about her guilty secret.

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy....

Finally got to read the Celestial Sentinel this afternoon and saw this article reprinted from the Helliburton Herald. I must admit part of me is worried because I hate change and don't want to leave. Another part of me says, "Take this job and shove it". I want to hear what The Mrs. has to say before I have my anxiety attack.

Is There A Hellestial On The Time Horizon?
A Helliburton Herald Exclusive Report

Rumors continue to swirl about a possible takeover of Celestial Services by Helliburton, sources close to both entities have told the Helliburton Herald.

“Let’s face it”, said analyst Marvin “Sparky” Woods of Inferno Investments, “Celestial Services has been plagued with poor leadership, disastrous product launches and an antiquated, labor intensive Miracle Fulfillment process. Oprah keeps marching into Celestial’s miracle market share territory while the Big Guy keeps fumbling the ball at the product/customer service goal line.”

Woods cited the toxic sawdust in the Miracle Weight Loss product and lead filled Lourdes water debacles (both products were manufactured in China), 6 month call wait times for Supplicant Services Center customers, and the Big Guy’s inability and unwillingness to grasp the complexities of leading a modern world class fulfillment organization as the root causes of Celestial’s problem. “The Red Sea parting thing might have been cutting edge back in the day, but a CEO today needs more high tech special effects in the play book. I mean, come on, can’t Big Guy spring for a few bucks and catch Ironman? He might, you know, get a clue. But what can you expect from someone who doesn’t even know how to use EXCEL”?

Anonymous Celestial Services sources have confirmed speculation that the Big Guy is Celestial’s Big Problem. “ Ever since Son decided not to follow his father’s footsteps into the family business because of ‘The Earth Thing’, the Big Guy frankly just doesn’t seem to care”, said an unnamed executive. “He forgets meetings, never responds to emails or instant messages, plays computer solitaire all day and hogs all the donuts at staff meetings.”

“Morale is as low as the revenues,” grumbled another Celestial source. “Mike Archangel, VP of Operations, told the Wingers and Halo Heads (angles and saints) to bring their own toilet paper to work to cut expenses. We’re praying that the rumors about Oprah taking us over are true. She gives lots of stuff away.”

Meanwhile Lucifer, Helliburton’s CEO, has indicated it may be time for him to reinvent himself. “Trusted sources have told me that Lucifer is pondering his legacy”, said Wood. ”When a cab driver told him Dick Cheney was going to host a new reality show called ‘Who Wants to Torture My Dad’, he had a ‘world is flat’ moment and realized he was no longer the Premiere Punishment Provider for the planet. Now he’s afraid he’ll be remembered as just another Neocon wannabe”

“Lucifer feels it’s time to move out of the Prince of Darkness space”, said another highly placed confidante. “He had another wake up call when he placed twentieth in Demon Digest’s ‘Most Reviled’ issue, well below Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks, Hillary, and Osama Hussein Obama. He believes it’s time to show the world his cuddly side, and has hinted that taking becoming CEO of Celestial Services would be the ideal rebranding initiative.”

Lucifer has also proposed spinning off Helliburton’s Demonizing Division to Fox News and its Sinner Services Division to Blackwater in an effort to redefine its core competencies, which has fueled speculation that Lucifer is ready to move on. As one Wall Street analyst hinted, “Don’t be surprised to see Luce and the Big Guy go head to head on a very special episode of ‘Extreme Corporate Makeover’ on the Envy Channel.”

Helliburton’s stock closed up 20 points today, while Celestial Services was down 10.

Checking In and TGIF!!!!!

Thank God It's....whoa, wait a minute.

Thank ME it's Friday! TMIF!!! Glad I can do something right!!!

And On The First Day I Created My First BLOG Post

Hi. I’m God. And my life sucks.

I’m CEO of Heaven, which those annoying yuppie twit archangels Mike, VP of Operations, and Gabe, VP of Marketing, have renamed “Celestial Services”. Mike says that “Celestial Services” denotes a more “holistic, synergistic paradigm which appeals to our desired demographic, upscale females 18 to 54”. I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. Back in the good old days I didn’t have to worry about appealing to anyone. I just hurled a few thunderbolts and unleashed some locusts. Everyone just shut the hell up, fell to their knees and did what I told them to do. I smoked 40 million cigarettes a day, ate whatever I wanted and didn’t gain a pound. I played weekly poker games with the the guys. The Mrs. was content to cook and clean and raise Son, whom I was grooming to take over the family business. Life was good. For me, anyway.

My good thing came to an end when Son went down to earth as part of his training program. I’m sure I don’t need to remind you how that turned out. He came back devastated and stayed in his room, brooding and listening to Metallica for hours on end. He would only come out long enough to glare accusingly at me and The Mrs., get a Coke and a bag of Fritos and stomp back into his room. The Mrs. and I were wracked with guilt and helplessness. We were also angry at Son's behavior, and the constant emotional turmoil exhausted us.

Matters came to a head when Son, after a drunken spree with his cousin John the Baptist and buddy Judas, was arrested for spray painting “Clapton Is God” in Celestial Services’ parking lot. Luckily Solomon, the Judge, sentenced him to house arrest, knowing that having to listen his mother’s Celine Dion CD’s would punish him more than any stint in jail could.When he was finished with his sentence, Son abruptly moved out in the middle of the night. He left a note on the kitchen table that said:“I’m leaving to pursue my dream of a music career. Don’t wait up.Sorry I’ve been a jerk. Please understand. I’ll be in touch. Love, Son”.

Well, after that The Mrs.and I fought constantly. I lost interest in running Heaven and being “God”. I spent my days smoking cigarettes and watching Law and Order marathons on cable, admiring the symmetry and closure of the plot lines and lulled by the predictability of the characters. We couldn’t track Son down. He never appeared in People Magazine or on our AOL Home Page, so we concluded he was not enjoying mainstream success. His cousin, John the Baptist would hear from him from time to time and assured us that Son, though struggling for his break, was fine and that we shouldn’t worry. We suspected John was slipping Son a few bucks, but said nothing.

It was during this period that The Mrs.declared that she needed to change her life and her attitudes. She started watching Oprah, reading self improvement books, meditating and going to psychics, who told her she needed to learn to release her guilt, take care of her needs and trust her inner voice. She started using the word “empowered” and talked about finding her spirit. She became so empowered and spirited that she called the Pope and asked if she could get a part time job. He hung up on her. Declaring that she had let go of her guilt and was moving on, The Mrs. converted Son’s room into her own “yoga and meditation space”, began keeping a journal, and made plans to go back to school to get her degree in Psychology.

But the more independent she became, the more depressed and scared and confused I became. Because she wasn’t devoting her life to me anymore and Son decided to not to follow in my footsteps, I felt like a worthless failure. I stopped going to the office. I spent all my time playing computer solitaire, eating Cheetos and drinking Mountain Dew. Finally, the Mrs. threatened to leave unless I quit smoking, went back to work, lost 300 pounds and, as she said, “started leading a purpose driven life.”So I went back to work and found that in my absence Mike and Gabe had taken over and changed everything. They changed the name “Heaven” to “Celestial Services”, established the Supplicant Services Center and made plans to automate the “prayer and miracle fulfillment process”. They began using terms like “market share”, “desired target demographic”, “brand” and “profit margins”. They told me I needed to learn Excel and Outlook, sit on conference calls, and wear a clean, freshly pressed robe with a tie every day because I set a bad example with the coffee and spaghetti stains I always sported. Halo Heads (saints) and Wingers (angels) snickered when I asked them how to microwave popcorn in the break room. I had to give up my parking spot in front of the building and park next to Francis of Assisi in the back lot. I hate parking next to Francis because the damn birds crap all over my car.

My only ally was John the Baptist, the MIS Director. He told me Mike and Gabe had turned everyone against me and wanted me out. So I started thinking maybe this was a blessing in disguise. Maybe I was trying to tell myself something, give myself a message. Maybe it was time for me to retire. But I feared that if I hung around the house all day she would put me on a diet and nag me about cleaning the Plague Room.

So I started thinking about what else I could do if I retired. I watched Lucifer, CEO of Helliburton, and Mrs. L host Cable TV shows. To be honest, the Mrs and I were always a bit envious of Lucifer and Mrs. L. They were fit, toned, tanned and buff, had great white teeth, which they displayed with dazzling smiles, and wore matching jogging suits. Their kids were successful executives in advertising and television. They seemed to have it all. Part of me wanted to have a TV show, too, but unlike Lucifer, I was fat, bald, and sloppy and I just knew everyone would laugh at me like they did in Celestial Services. I experienced severe panic attacks and became more depressed.

Then, out of the clear blue, Son showed up at our door. He had run out of money and had to come back home. The Mrs. gave up her space so Son could have his room back. She is not happy. She told Son he had to get a job and pay rent. He is not happy either. And of course I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that I’m never happy.

John suggested I start a BLOG to help me keep my sanity. He rigged up a voice recognition system on my computer so I can just talk and my words appear on the screen. He said my privacy is assured because my life is so boring no one will want to read anything I write.

Oops. As The Pips sang in Midnight Train To Georgia, "I've Got to go, Woo woo woo woo". (Why don't they write songs like that anymore?) The Law And Order Marathon will be starting on Bravo in a few. Later, Alligators.