Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Yo, I'm back. I see The Mrs. has been holding down the fort in my absence. The old "Alpha Dog" would have been upset, but I realize she's just trying to help me.

I stayed home from work the past 3 days because I developed the flu. The Mrs. says it's because I'm depressed and won't admit it. She insists that I go see her shrink, Dr. Pat, or she's putting me on a rice cake diet. She says I need to pee or get off the pity pot by asking Earth to protest Lucifer's intention to take over Celestial Services, and she even composed a letter for me to send:

Subject: God Needs Your Help

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello. This is God, and I’m writing to you because I need your help.

As the enclosed newspaper story from the Helliburton Herald indicates, Lucifer wants my job. I don’t want him to have it, and I don’t think you do either. Unless, of course, you want to be manhandled by Lucifer’s “Positive Police” should you deviate from the “Mandated Mood Of The Day”, or be forced to compete on Mrs. L’s Envy Channel reality show, “I’m Perfect And You’re Not”. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so. You’re much too intelligent for that.

As for me, if Lucifer takes over, I’ll be forced to fill out efficiency reports in Excel, attend mandatory daily staff meetings, and use the word “Brand” ad nauseam. I think we all agree I can serve you much better if I’m not encumbered by the constraints of the corporate culture.

So what am I asking you to do? Please tell your friends and family to ask Oprah to stop Lucifer. And tell her do it quickly, before Britney Spears tattoos her skull with Amy Winehouse, the Hogan family spawns another reality show, or the Mother Ship whisks TomKat. into the ethers. Windows of opportunity close very quickly on the Earth. I know this because AOL is my home page.

In closing, I want to thank you in advance for your help. I trust that you will see this as an opportunity to display your appreciation for the many blessings you enjoy. Not that I’m putting any pressure on you. I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you to sacrifice your first born to save the Earth or anything. Like I did. But hey, that’s OK. I can understand if you can’t help. I just hope you enjoy macrobiotic power foods. Lucifer will insist that you do.

Thank you for your consideration.

God (The Big Guy)

I told her I'd have to think about sending this letter. I have to really think about whether I want to fight to keep my job. Besides, maybe this article is just a way for Lucifer trying to get some publicity for the Envy Channel and I have nothing to worry about. Or maybe Mike and Gabe really want to replace me with Lucifer. Or maybe I just need to stick my head in the microwave after wrapping it in foil.