I'm Glad I'm Not Alone

Mike forwarded this letter to me today. The young kids in Customer Service don't know how to deal with some of us older folks.

Dear Lord:
As I begin my day I ask you to please protect my friends and family as they go about their business.
Please make susre I don't bang toes or elbows into furiture, slop coffee all over myself, or slip and fall as I cross a major downtown intersection at high noon.
And when my synapeses have lapses, please don't let me call Tech Support to report I can't access the LAN before realizing I forgot to plug the Ethernet cord into my laptop, look Dan straight in the eye and call him "Dave", or freeze when my cell phone rings because I can't remember which button to push to get my call.
And, Lord, grant me the wisdom to decide if I should take advantage of that special offer from my local phone comopany and buy a "Smart Phone", even though I have a nagging suspicion that, like an animal, it will sense my fear and attack me.
At work today, help me stay focused and productive so I can support my team, create win/win solutions, contribute to my company's profitablility, and - what the heck is the name of that actor who starred with Meryl Streep in that movie about, um, clothes or something, I think he won an Oscar for another movie, oh, wait, let me see if they show him in the credits, yes, Stanley Tucci - and complete all the tasks on my To Do list.
And please prevent me from babbling at parties and causing people's eyes to glaze over within 10 seconds of conversing with me, followed by them beating a hasty retreat to the bar.
I thank you dear, uh, um, wait, it's right on the tip of my - didn't you win an Oscar in some movie with Charlton Heston and some calves and burning bushes - Hello? Are you there? Can you at least bring me a rum and Coke? And a few crackers?
Thanks. I mean, Amen. Oh, hell.

This is my response.

Dear Madam:
Thank you for your letter. I sympathize with your plight.
I found it helpful to develop an addiction to donuts when I experienced extreme stress or felt very insecure. Donuts are very comforting, as are M&M's. Just remember where you put them.
Feel free to contact me any time.
Sincerely,
The Big Guy

What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Good grief. I didn't realize it has been so long between posts. Too busy learning the Internet with John B. Fantasy Football rocks.

Oh, and we finally got the memo today.

Looks like Lucifer is coming back as a “consultant” to Gabe and Mike.

Here is the announcement.

TO: All Celestial Services Associates
FROM: Gabe Archangel, Sr. VP of Strategic Marketing
SUBJECT: Organizational Announcement

Effective Monday, October 13, Lucifer, former CEO of Helliburton, will assume the title of Special Consultant For Strategic Marketing and Operational Initiatives for Celestial Services. He will report to me.

Lucifer will be responsible for creating a robust suite of products and services designed to delight Celestial’s customers and increase market share as well as recommending improvements in our processes to maximize efficiencies and profits.

As you all know, under Lucifer’s dynamic leadership Hellliburton has experienced explosive revenue growth in its Sinner Services Division, and we trust he will transfer his considerable skills and knowledge to energize our Supplicant Services operation.

Please attend a mandatory staff meeting on Monday at 8:00 am to welcome Luce and get a sneak preview of our exciting new marketing campaign.

Have I mentioned my life is about to suck more than it does now?

What's Going On?

You'll all be happy to know I'm surviving Monday so far. Yeah, I know. It's all about moi.

Still waiting for some kind of org announcement. John B said it may be delayed until tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Earth seems to be experiencing a major financial melt down. I'm sure someone, somewhere, will blame me for this. Someone will say I'm punishing Earth for some reason or other or this is part of my "plan".

Here's a clue, Dudes and Dudettes. I'm not into punishment anymore. Don't get me wrong. I do occasionally get the urge to smite, just to see if I still have my old mojo. But, as The Mrs. never fails to remind me, I was pretty arrogant and full of myself back in those wilder, younger days. OK. I'll be honest. She really said I was young,stupid and obnoxious. But I don't really have the energy for all that drama now. So, no, I'm not "punishing" anybody.

And my "plan" consists of flying under the radar so Mike and Gabe don't bug me about doing stuff in Excel or being on conference calls.

Gotta run. Time for Fantasy Football PC tutorial with John B. Later.

Random Reflections

I just realized that "Dog" is "God" spelled backwards and I want to talk to who is responsible for that.

My Birthday

Hey Hey Hey. It's The Mrs, back after taking a 2 day birthday hiatus. In spite of The Big Guy's and Son's insensitivty, I had a very nice day. Magi got me a card which she, Son and The Big Guy signed, and she brought a cake. My friend Therese of Lisieux and I had lunch together to celebrate her feast day and my birthday, a custom we started several years ago.

I will stop here, because I'm afraid if I really start ripping I'll say something about Son and The Big Guy that I will regret. Now please excuse me as I need to prepare Tofu Surprise for the Big Guy's lunch tomorrow.

The Mrs.

I'm Back In The Dog House Again

Ahhhhh. I love the smell of steamed tofu and sprouts in the morning. Why do I have to look forward to tofu for my Sunday breakfast instead of bacon and eggs? Well, it seems that The Mrs. is mad at me because I did not "directly acknowledge her birthday" on Friday. She did not care that I had been too sick to get her a present, and she ignored that fact that Son and I signed the card Magi bought. So much for the peaceful, drama free, football filled Sunday I had hoped for today. I demand so little.

And John B tells me there are rumors that Gabe will make a big organizational announcement involving Lucifer tomorrow at work. I seriously need to consider getting a new job.

The good news? John B is teaching me how to type and use the computer so I can play Fantasy Football. Woo Woo.

Random Reflections...

I wonder how many people would come to my funeral....

I'm B-a-a-a-a-c-k

Back at work today. Trying to say under the radar. Mike and Gabe are huddling in the hallway and whispering alot. John B said he'd try to find out if Lucifer is just blowing smoke or if he really wants to come back.

The Mrs. is very happy I'm out of the house. I myself am relieved that I didn't have to endure her patented Lifetime Channel Psychotic Spouse Stare of Death. (Cue ominous music.)

Mr. Pity, Meet Mr. Pot....

'Nuf said. He doesn't even know how to start a microwave. What a Drama King. On. My. Last. Nerve.

The Mrs.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Yo, I'm back. I see The Mrs. has been holding down the fort in my absence. The old "Alpha Dog" would have been upset, but I realize she's just trying to help me.

I stayed home from work the past 3 days because I developed the flu. The Mrs. says it's because I'm depressed and won't admit it. She insists that I go see her shrink, Dr. Pat, or she's putting me on a rice cake diet. She says I need to pee or get off the pity pot by asking Earth to protest Lucifer's intention to take over Celestial Services, and she even composed a letter for me to send:

Subject: God Needs Your Help

To Whom It May Concern:

Hello. This is God, and I’m writing to you because I need your help.

As the enclosed newspaper story from the Helliburton Herald indicates, Lucifer wants my job. I don’t want him to have it, and I don’t think you do either. Unless, of course, you want to be manhandled by Lucifer’s “Positive Police” should you deviate from the “Mandated Mood Of The Day”, or be forced to compete on Mrs. L’s Envy Channel reality show, “I’m Perfect And You’re Not”. Is that what you want? I didn’t think so. You’re much too intelligent for that.

As for me, if Lucifer takes over, I’ll be forced to fill out efficiency reports in Excel, attend mandatory daily staff meetings, and use the word “Brand” ad nauseam. I think we all agree I can serve you much better if I’m not encumbered by the constraints of the corporate culture.

So what am I asking you to do? Please tell your friends and family to ask Oprah to stop Lucifer. And tell her do it quickly, before Britney Spears tattoos her skull with Amy Winehouse, the Hogan family spawns another reality show, or the Mother Ship whisks TomKat. into the ethers. Windows of opportunity close very quickly on the Earth. I know this because AOL is my home page.

In closing, I want to thank you in advance for your help. I trust that you will see this as an opportunity to display your appreciation for the many blessings you enjoy. Not that I’m putting any pressure on you. I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you to sacrifice your first born to save the Earth or anything. Like I did. But hey, that’s OK. I can understand if you can’t help. I just hope you enjoy macrobiotic power foods. Lucifer will insist that you do.

Thank you for your consideration.

God (The Big Guy)

I told her I'd have to think about sending this letter. I have to really think about whether I want to fight to keep my job. Besides, maybe this article is just a way for Lucifer trying to get some publicity for the Envy Channel and I have nothing to worry about. Or maybe Mike and Gabe really want to replace me with Lucifer. Or maybe I just need to stick my head in the microwave after wrapping it in foil.

No, He Didn't

I notice The Big Guy didn’t post again today. He is still depressed, but will not talk about it.

I have a secret to tell you. The Big Guy is afraid to stand up for himself at Celestial Services. I’m sure this will shock you. You think of the Big Guy as all powerful and can’t understand why he, the CEO of Celestial Services, is afraid of those annoying Yuppie weasels Mike, Gabe, and even Lucifer. But The Big Guy feels, rightly or wrongly, that he botched Son’s training on Earth so badly that he can’t trust himself or his power anymore. He also believes he deserves to be treated badly because he feels guilty. Part of him is afraid to leave Celestial Services because he’s afraid of change, part of him is angry at Earth for what happened so he doesn’t take an interest in running Celestial Services, and part of him wants to do something different but he doesn’t know what he could do. The biggest problem here is that he is in denial about all of these judgments.

I want to help him take his power back but he can be so stubborn and will not listen, to wit, I’ve been nagging him for thousands of years to clean up The Plague Room to no avail. And I’m going to have to be more assertive. He needs to see how fear is holding him back. I think I will strongly suggest that he visit my therapist, Dr. Pat.

Thanks for listening, Kids.

The Mrs.