Finally got to read the Celestial Sentinel this afternoon and saw this article reprinted from the Helliburton Herald. I must admit part of me is worried because I hate change and don't want to leave. Another part of me says, "Take this job and shove it". I want to hear what The Mrs. has to say before I have my anxiety attack.
Is There A Hellestial On The Time Horizon?
A Helliburton Herald Exclusive Report
Rumors continue to swirl about a possible takeover of Celestial Services by Helliburton, sources close to both entities have told the Helliburton Herald.
“Let’s face it”, said analyst Marvin “Sparky” Woods of Inferno Investments, “Celestial Services has been plagued with poor leadership, disastrous product launches and an antiquated, labor intensive Miracle Fulfillment process. Oprah keeps marching into Celestial’s miracle market share territory while the Big Guy keeps fumbling the ball at the product/customer service goal line.”
Woods cited the toxic sawdust in the Miracle Weight Loss product and lead filled Lourdes water debacles (both products were manufactured in China), 6 month call wait times for Supplicant Services Center customers, and the Big Guy’s inability and unwillingness to grasp the complexities of leading a modern world class fulfillment organization as the root causes of Celestial’s problem. “The Red Sea parting thing might have been cutting edge back in the day, but a CEO today needs more high tech special effects in the play book. I mean, come on, can’t Big Guy spring for a few bucks and catch Ironman? He might, you know, get a clue. But what can you expect from someone who doesn’t even know how to use EXCEL”?
Anonymous Celestial Services sources have confirmed speculation that the Big Guy is Celestial’s Big Problem. “ Ever since Son decided not to follow his father’s footsteps into the family business because of ‘The Earth Thing’, the Big Guy frankly just doesn’t seem to care”, said an unnamed executive. “He forgets meetings, never responds to emails or instant messages, plays computer solitaire all day and hogs all the donuts at staff meetings.”
“Morale is as low as the revenues,” grumbled another Celestial source. “Mike Archangel, VP of Operations, told the Wingers and Halo Heads (angles and saints) to bring their own toilet paper to work to cut expenses. We’re praying that the rumors about Oprah taking us over are true. She gives lots of stuff away.”
Meanwhile Lucifer, Helliburton’s CEO, has indicated it may be time for him to reinvent himself. “Trusted sources have told me that Lucifer is pondering his legacy”, said Wood. ”When a cab driver told him Dick Cheney was going to host a new reality show called ‘Who Wants to Torture My Dad’, he had a ‘world is flat’ moment and realized he was no longer the Premiere Punishment Provider for the planet. Now he’s afraid he’ll be remembered as just another Neocon wannabe”
“Lucifer feels it’s time to move out of the Prince of Darkness space”, said another highly placed confidante. “He had another wake up call when he placed twentieth in Demon Digest’s ‘Most Reviled’ issue, well below Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks, Hillary, and Osama Hussein Obama. He believes it’s time to show the world his cuddly side, and has hinted that taking becoming CEO of Celestial Services would be the ideal rebranding initiative.”
Lucifer has also proposed spinning off Helliburton’s Demonizing Division to Fox News and its Sinner Services Division to Blackwater in an effort to redefine its core competencies, which has fueled speculation that Lucifer is ready to move on. As one Wall Street analyst hinted, “Don’t be surprised to see Luce and the Big Guy go head to head on a very special episode of ‘Extreme Corporate Makeover’ on the Envy Channel.”
Helliburton’s stock closed up 20 points today, while Celestial Services was down 10.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment